


just for us

by voiDce



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Established Relationship, M/M, Synthesis Ending, contains imagery of blood/injury, fluff.....but sad?, sluff., spoilers through mass effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 14:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12654969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voiDce/pseuds/voiDce
Summary: Every memory of Kaidan tastes like a trust Shepard’s never known, and he loves it all.





	just for us

**Author's Note:**

> happy teN7 day to a game series that has repeatedly broken my heart

Shepard keeps the good memories close to him, filed and safely locked away for the days when the war is too brutal and losses are too high.  He thinks of them as he aims and shoots and bleeds and runs and desperately tries to save the galaxy just one more time.  It's always just one more time.

Sometimes, when he’s feeling selfish, he wishes someone else would do it.

Maybe then he could have more than just memories.

He’s running now--more of a limp than a sprint--down a long, elevated platform, one arm clenched tightly around his side to hold cracked and jagged ribs in place and one eye swollen shut around a line of tacky, drying blood from his temple.  His nose feels broken, and his head throbs violently in time with his heartbeat.  The memories keep him company here.

Shepard’s favorites are those of Kaidan.  He loves the time they’ve shared, all the private jokes meant just for them when they’re alone and _safe_ and nothing--no Saren, no collectors, no damn _reapers_ \--can touch them.

… He loves Kaidan’s hair.

 

\---

 

_They’re drunk, the both of them, hanging off each other like sloppy lifelines as they make their way back through the Normandy.  They stumble out of the elevator together, warm and bright-cheeked into Shepard’s cabin, Kaidan’s arm slung loosely around Shepard’s shoulders and he looks so damn relaxed that Shepard can't help but marvel at it._

_He hears the echoes of Vega, Wrex, and Garrus ganging up on Kaidan at the bar earlier that night: James’ offhand comment to “pull the stick out of your ass and let loose, Major,” quickly becoming a real challenge as soon Kaidan took the bait, and remembers his partner’s defensive, stubborn vow to out-drink all of them as he threatened Vega with rank and charges of insubordination._

_With his metabolism, Kaidan had actually done pretty well for himself, considering the competition.  That was, until Wrex came back to the table with something bright and purple and dangerous, and it was mostly an unstoppable shit show after that._

_Vega and Kaidan had even tried to invite Shepard to dance._

_Shepard had sat back and watched as the two of them did, instead._

_They’d looked good together._

_He smiles._

 

\---

 

His feet feel so heavy--

 

\---

 

_Kaidan’s open, easy grin leaves Shepard feeling breathless and so in love that it chokes him, and he clears his throat on impulse. Kaidan's face is so bright it’s blinding, and Shepard blinks and berates himself for being so cliché.  There's a lock of hair hanging slightly out of place on the major’s head, sweeping down over sharp cheekbones, and Shepard has a moment to think to himself just how badly he wants to touch it before he remembers he can--he’s allowed to._

_So he does._

_He gently presses the strands back into place, pausing as Kaidan reaches up, eyes wide and glassy, to lay a hand over Shepard’s as he pulls him in for a kiss, hungry like they’ve only got one more left.  And what does Shepard know, maybe they do.  The whole galaxy knows he’s--they’re--damn well running on borrowed time already._

 

\---

 

Alarms are blaring and Shepard’s ears ring, and there’s still blood dripping between his fingers as his chest rattles with the sensation of lungs inflating around broken bones.  He can see the destruction down below and all around, species from all across the universe dead and dying and if he could just move _faster--_

 

\---

 

_They make it into the shower eventually, and Kaidan’s already asleep on his feet, leaning against Shepard for balance.  Shepard takes a second to thank his new cybernetic metabolism for keeping him functional enough to take care of them both._

_He spends a little extra time washing Kaidan’s hair, wondering at how it still feels so soft even between his ugly hands with their scarred, calloused fingers, before dropping a soft kiss to Kaidan’s temple and guiding them to bed._

 

\---

 

Shepard swears he can hear the muffled voices of star system after star system: some a wobbling, metallic roar, others people of all species, and they’re all screaming and he can smell their burning flesh and he’s so close to the end, he knows he can make it there in time, just--

 

\---

 

_The next day, he wakes up next to Kaidan for the first time.  Kaidan--dutiful, disciplined, punctual, Kaidan--had always been awake and ready for the day long before Shepard… but not this morning.  This morning, Shepard wins._

_He stands over his partner as the frowning biotic groans exaggeratedly into a pillow to protest the sudden light in the cabin.  Kaidan’s bedhead is unbelievable, and indescribably endearing.  Shepard wishes he could snap a holo of it to save in Liara’s historical archive.  He thinks he’d caption it, “Spectre-Major Alenko, 2186: hero, hardhead, and very hungover.”_

_Shepard sits on the edge of the bed as Kaidan rolls toward him, and presses a cool, wet cloth to his partner’s forehead.  He smiles to himself, urging Kaidan to sit up and take the glass of water from his hand.  Kaidan holds it to his own cheek instead of drinking it for a few long moments._

_“Shouldn’t have let Vega trick you into drinking so much last night,” Shepard teases, warm and gentle._

_Kaidan grunts at him, lowers the glass, and drops his head into the space between Shepard’s neck and shoulder._

_Shepard chuckles lightly and combs through the thick, tangled mess that tickle his jaw and get caught in his stubble._

_He thinks about how lucky he is, and whispers as much into Kaidan’s hair._

_An answering movement of lips mouthing “I love you” into his shoulder is the only reply._

 

\---

 

There’s a small smile on Shepard’s face as he bleeds and runs and tries desperately to save the galaxy knowing that, finally, it really is just one more time.

He hopes the Normandy made it out of the war zone.

He hopes his crew is safe.

He hopes Kaidan recovers and that maybe they’ll be reincarnated together someday.

… He hopes the Catalyst’s plan works.

It’s only a few more feet to the beam and Shepard’s vision is blurring.  He drops his gun, breaks into a run as his body screams in protest but he doesn’t care, and the edge of the platform gives way to nothing but bright light and burning and he has a less than a second to wonder if this is what David felt when he was trapped in his brother’s machine before it’s gone.

And so is he.


End file.
